I Did It!!!

My parents have been divorced for 20 years, and not long ago I had two separate visits from them.

Strangely enough, both of them at some point during their visit described me as having a particular characteristic that I never would have used to describe myself--goal oriented.

My mom was the first one to say it, and I just kind of let it slide. But when my dad said it on a later visit, I stopped him and said, "That's so funny that you say that--Mom said the same thing when she was here, and I just don't think of myself that way."

So he went on to tell me how when I was a little girl I would get something in my mind that I wanted to do and that I would not stop until I had done it. "Look at everything you've done in your life," he said. "You set out to do something and you do it. That's the way you've always been."

I suppose I can see where he is coming from.

I wanted to work at Sea World when I was in high school, and I did it (despite the fact that I lived in Oregon and Sea World was in California). I wanted to go to college in San Diego, and I did it (even writing a letter of appeal to the Dean when I didn't get in the college I wanted). I wanted to go to Europe, and I did it (when an unexpected gift fell in my hands). I wanted to move to Washington, D.C., and I did it (despite having no job and not knowing a soul). I wanted to become an actress and singer, and I did it (and I have the reviews to prove it). I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mom, and I did it.

I would definitely characterize myself as driven--but why do I feel like I have never been goal oriented?

I think it's because I never wrote them down.

Phil Keoghan, famous as the host of TV's The Amazing Race, talked to us at our latest conference in Cancun, about having a "list for life"--a list of all the things you want to accomplish before you die. There is even a new movie out now called The Bucket List, about two men to make a list of things they want to do before they "kick the bucket."

Until my Beyond Freedom, I never had a list like that.

There is an urban legend--one of those "motivational" emails that get passed around--about the Yale class of 1953. Laurence Tabak, of Fast Company magazine writes:

The story, as told by consultants, goes like this: In 1953, researchers surveyed Yale's graduating seniors to determine how many of them had specific, written goals for their future. The answer: 3%. Twenty years later, researchers polled the surviving members of the Class of 1953 -- and found that the 3% with goals had accumulated more personal financial wealth than the other 97% of the class combined!

This story has been told by motivational speakers for years, and I have heard it myself multiple times. Unfortunately, it isn't true.

What is true, however, is the fact that writing down your goals--and telling a friend--makes you more likely to achieve them. This was scientifically proven in a study by Dominican University of California psychology professor Dr. Gail Matthews. And, of course, it is a foundational principle in Beyond Freedom.

So if I am a goal oriented person, like my parents say I am, why is it that I never did this? I've been to the seminars, read the books, listened to the counsel--what was stopping me?

It's simple, really. It's a nasty, four-letter word: fear.

You see, if I have a vague, kind of "someday" goal, and I never achieve it, well, I guess I wasn't very serious. I guess I didn't really want it anyway. But if I have a SMART goal (specific, measureable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound), and I don't achieve it--I am a failure.

And failure is something I just can't abide. (I had a talk with Tony about this very thing a few months ago. I really should read my own blog more often--I learn so much myself from the things I write!)

My Beyond Freedom changed all that, and back in July, I set a goal that has transformed my life: I wanted to be able to run 3 consecutive miles before December 31.

Well, today is December 27, AND I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mentally, I still can't get my mind around it. I have been going over and over the course in my mind--did I measure right? Was that really 3 miles? Am I sure it wasn't 3 kilometers? Was it really me?

Yes, it really was--it really was.

As we were driving home from the park where I ran, my mom asked me how far I had run. I told her it had been 3 miles and that I had just accomplished a goal I had set for myself. From the backseat, my 7 year old daughter said, "So what's your next goal, mom?"

And that is the power of having a specific goal. The more you set, the more you achieve!

The Quest for Perfection

At this busy time of year, there are lots of things that can stress us out--you don't need me to list them. But I believe there is ONE thing that is at the root of all the others. One thing that, while causing stress all year long, makes the holidays especially stressful. One thing that, if we could just control or eradicate it, would absolutely transform our lives.

My mother is visiting for the holidays, and last week she had the opportunity to join me in my son's Kindergarten classroom as we helped the teacher put on a fun holiday party.

Our job was to help a group of children make cute little reindeer gift bags.

First, the kids had to trace and cut out a big heart that formed the reindeer's face. Next we traced their hands, which they then cut out to glue on as antlers. Finally, they cut out and glued on two eyes and mouth, and the project was complete.

I noticed as we were working that I was helping three children finish their bags for every one child that my mom was helping. Why was that?

I watched closely and discovered that it was because my mom was carefully tracing exactly the child's hand. It was because my mom was correcting the children as they cut so that they would stay on the lines. It was because my mom was showing them the precise placement of the eyes and nose so that it matched the model, rather than letting them decide where each piece should go.

It was because my mom was on a quest for perfection.

As I pondered this experience and looked back at my life and the things that have caused me stress over the years, I realized that this was it. This was the root cause of 80% of my stress. This was what landed me in the hospital. This is what has always made the holidays so stressful.

There is an exercise in Beyond Freedom that asks us to write down the best advice we have ever received. I can't say that perfection was something ever told to me in the form of "advice" (in fact, I can say with 99% surety that my mother would deny ever doing so), but as we all know, actions speak louder than words.

I grew up watching my mother in her constant strive for perfection, and I was rewarded and praised for mine.

But this unyielding drive did not start with my mom--or her mom before her.

Generations upon generations, for more than a thousand years, Christians have been repeating to each other these powerful words of Christ: "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48)

And for all these years people have been trying, and failing, at this objective.

I remember years ago having a conversation with a friend in which I said, "Well, you know, the best we can do is try." He said to me, "No. Christ didn't say to try to be perfect. He said to BE perfect." Talk about pressure!

It's this kind of mentality, plus an unhealthy dose of supermodels and Martha Stewart (or Donna Reed, for the earlier generation), that make today's American woman one of the most stressed out of creatures in world history.

As I write this, my mom is sitting at the dining room table with my two children helping them decorate gingerbread men. From the other room, I can tell that her voice, and no doubt her blood pressure, is rising with frustration. The children are being too rambunctious, and one of the gingerbread men has broken. The frosting included in the kit that she bought is not up to standard, so she must quickly make some of her own. The kids are eating the candy that is supposed to be reserved for buttons. Things are runny, gooey, and messy, and I hear her say, "My mother would never have had gingerbread men turn out like this."

What can we do? Surely I am not suggesting that Christ was wrong--that he couldn't possibly expect perfection in us--that we should just let things go and not worry about the consequences!

No, far from it.

We can find some clarity long before the coming of Christ in the counsel to the children of Israel: "Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day." (1 Kings 8:61)

You see, we must still be perfect. But our perfection in getting every card out before Christmas or in decorating the house just so, in cooking the best ham or in buying the best presents, in reindeer antlers or gingerbread men, are not what ultimately matter. We must be perfect in obedience. Perfect in submission. Perfect in appreciation. Perfect in gratitude. Perfect in love. Perfect in joy.

And that kind of perfection comes not from being stressful, but in letting go and living by faith--by living stress free.

Good, Better, Best

Good, better, best
Never let it rest
'Til your good is better
And your better, best!

I had a choreographer one time that used to say this to us--I think she said it was something her mother used to say.

The quote came to my mind after a couple of experiences at the gym the other day.

Though I did play some sports in grade school, I have never been what I would consider an athlete--that is, I never really enjoyed sports. For one, I didn't enjoy exercising in general. There are some people who really love that feeling of a good workout. More power to 'em! I'm just not one of them.

And second, I wasn't any good. Perhaps I wouldn't mind the exercising if I felt like it was something I was good at and could be proud of, but nope--not me!

Here I am, though, thanks to my Beyond Freedom and its goal achieving system, training for a triathlon, of all things.

My trainer has been having me run on a treadmill--the weather is too cold to run outside now, and this gives us exact distance and speed. And, of course, she is making me go faster and further than I ever have before.

So the other day, there was this guy on the treadmill next me, and he was amazing! I could not believe how fast he was going, and he just kept going and going! I was panting and out of breath and feeling like I was going to throw up, and he just kept going and going. It was so motivating! "I want to be like that guy," I said to myself. And I wanted to ask him if I could run next to him every day.

A few days later, I was again on the treadmill, and this time the person next to me was a short, heavy set woman who was just walking.

As I was doing my routine, I overheard her talking to a similar woman on the other side of her. They were talking about fitness and their goals, and she turned to me, smiled, and said, "Someday, I'm going to be like her."

I almost turned around. What she talking about me? Was she talking about this woman who never enjoyed exercise and who has been struggling to make it through a simple, 30 minute program? Was she talking about the one who wanted to throw up when she was running next to a true athlete the other day?

I wanted to correct her! I wanted to tell her I wasn't so great! I wanted to tell her that we all have our challenges!

But I didn't.

I just smiled back.

You see, Beyond Freedom had taught me an important lesson. My purpose here--as well as that of everyone else with whom I share the planet--is to be the best me that I can be.

So many times in my life I have compared myself with others. It has made me depressed (she's so much prettier than I am, why don't I have as many friends as she does?, her mom is so much nicer--my life sucks!) and it has made me conceited (oh my gosh, I am so glad I'm not flat chested like her, geez, I am so tired of being the only smart person around here, why can't you guys be serious for once?)--both qualities that are decidedly unattractive and unproductive. They take me nowhere but down.

What I have learned is that comparison is only good for one thing--motivation. The man next to me motivated me to be better, just as I motivated the woman next to me to be better. And that is what life should be like--all of us striving and helping each other be better, and to make our better the best that it can be.