The Quest for Perfection

At this busy time of year, there are lots of things that can stress us out--you don't need me to list them. But I believe there is ONE thing that is at the root of all the others. One thing that, while causing stress all year long, makes the holidays especially stressful. One thing that, if we could just control or eradicate it, would absolutely transform our lives.

My mother is visiting for the holidays, and last week she had the opportunity to join me in my son's Kindergarten classroom as we helped the teacher put on a fun holiday party.

Our job was to help a group of children make cute little reindeer gift bags.

First, the kids had to trace and cut out a big heart that formed the reindeer's face. Next we traced their hands, which they then cut out to glue on as antlers. Finally, they cut out and glued on two eyes and mouth, and the project was complete.

I noticed as we were working that I was helping three children finish their bags for every one child that my mom was helping. Why was that?

I watched closely and discovered that it was because my mom was carefully tracing exactly the child's hand. It was because my mom was correcting the children as they cut so that they would stay on the lines. It was because my mom was showing them the precise placement of the eyes and nose so that it matched the model, rather than letting them decide where each piece should go.

It was because my mom was on a quest for perfection.

As I pondered this experience and looked back at my life and the things that have caused me stress over the years, I realized that this was it. This was the root cause of 80% of my stress. This was what landed me in the hospital. This is what has always made the holidays so stressful.

There is an exercise in Beyond Freedom that asks us to write down the best advice we have ever received. I can't say that perfection was something ever told to me in the form of "advice" (in fact, I can say with 99% surety that my mother would deny ever doing so), but as we all know, actions speak louder than words.

I grew up watching my mother in her constant strive for perfection, and I was rewarded and praised for mine.

But this unyielding drive did not start with my mom--or her mom before her.

Generations upon generations, for more than a thousand years, Christians have been repeating to each other these powerful words of Christ: "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48)

And for all these years people have been trying, and failing, at this objective.

I remember years ago having a conversation with a friend in which I said, "Well, you know, the best we can do is try." He said to me, "No. Christ didn't say to try to be perfect. He said to BE perfect." Talk about pressure!

It's this kind of mentality, plus an unhealthy dose of supermodels and Martha Stewart (or Donna Reed, for the earlier generation), that make today's American woman one of the most stressed out of creatures in world history.

As I write this, my mom is sitting at the dining room table with my two children helping them decorate gingerbread men. From the other room, I can tell that her voice, and no doubt her blood pressure, is rising with frustration. The children are being too rambunctious, and one of the gingerbread men has broken. The frosting included in the kit that she bought is not up to standard, so she must quickly make some of her own. The kids are eating the candy that is supposed to be reserved for buttons. Things are runny, gooey, and messy, and I hear her say, "My mother would never have had gingerbread men turn out like this."

What can we do? Surely I am not suggesting that Christ was wrong--that he couldn't possibly expect perfection in us--that we should just let things go and not worry about the consequences!

No, far from it.

We can find some clarity long before the coming of Christ in the counsel to the children of Israel: "Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day." (1 Kings 8:61)

You see, we must still be perfect. But our perfection in getting every card out before Christmas or in decorating the house just so, in cooking the best ham or in buying the best presents, in reindeer antlers or gingerbread men, are not what ultimately matter. We must be perfect in obedience. Perfect in submission. Perfect in appreciation. Perfect in gratitude. Perfect in love. Perfect in joy.

And that kind of perfection comes not from being stressful, but in letting go and living by faith--by living stress free.